Christmas memory

I just remembered another Christmas! I was with my Dad. I really loved him very much. I thought he was a great guy, the most handsome man in the world. Anyway, I just remembered a Christmas that he bought me a motor scooter. I was soooo excited! The room I was staying in has a sliding door when I opened it on Christmas morning that scooter was right there in the living room. It was probably the greatest gift ever. I went right outside and started riding up and down the road. (My dad lived on a country road so there was no traffic.)
A few months later I wrecked the scooter, broke my wrist, and dad sold it. But while I had it it was the greatest.
It seems that most of my good childhood memories involve my dad. As I said before I am not saying that nothing good ever happened with my mom I am just saying that I don't remember them.
I just thought I would write about it when the memory came up. Maybe if I keep writing here more memories will come. It is actually pretty exciting for me when a memory jumps into my head. Especially one that brings a smile instead of tears! I hope everyone has a blessed Christmas and that you all get everything on your Christmas list!

I cant believe it is already almost Christmas. The year has flown by. Their have been many happy moments and many sad. I think that the good out weighs the bad. My children have grown so much. Erika graduated (WOW) I always knew that she would. Cassie started Jr High, and Daniel is a Junior. Man are my getting old. Sometimes I feel a little sad knowing that they are growing up and will be going out on their own before I know it. What will I do without my kiddos around. Every single thing that I do, everything that I think of involves them. I wonder what other people do?

My only Christmas wish is that Daniel and I could be okay. I think he and Hannah will stay together. That will be hard on me. Knowing what she has told her mom about me. Knowing that it is okay with Daniel that they speak badly of me. I will just have to separate myself from the situation and pray that it all works out and that I do not lose my son.

He has told me a few times that since he is 17 he can do whatever he wants to. Also when Hannahs mother called me the other night she mentioned that since he is 17 he can do whatever he wants. I don't know what to do about that. I don't think he can move because he is on probation, but what if he can. What if he leaves us? What will become of him? Will he move in with Hannahs family? That scares me because they are drinkers. Daniel is not real strong, he has a hard time making good choices. What if he becomes a drinker to? How can I help him??

I know I sound crazy, playing Erikas what if games. I don't think I am playing correctly because all of my what ifs are bad. Erika always plays it in a good way. "What if you had a million dollars, What if you were a super hero, What if you won the lottery" She is so positive. I need to take lessons from her I guess.

I give up. There is no we we will ever be close. There is no way that he will ever love me. I have been trying so hard to form a relationship with him but he just dislikes me to much. I am not real sure what I did to make him feel such anger towards me but it must have been something. It hurts so bad knowing how he feels about me. Sometimes I just go to my room and cry. Every once in a while he will come in and say he is sorry and tell me he loves me, I will get my hopes up that things will change, then a few days later it just all happens again. This time we were good for a few months, then next thing I know my world comes tumbling down. How do I handle knowing that someone I love so much hates me so much. I pray and I pray and I try to hand it over to God, but the way he is just hurts so bad that there are times that I dont know if I can go on. His girlfriends mom called me the other night to tell me that I am a bad mom, that hit a sore spot. I wanted so much for him to take up for me. Then tonight he pretty much said that I am a bad mother. Maybe if so many people are saying it, it is true. Being a good mom to my children has always been so important, them having happy childhoods means everything to me. If I am failing them I dont know what to do. I am trying so hard. I am being the best mom I know how to be. Maybe that is just not good enough. It hurts so so bad to know that its just not good enough. My kids are so great they deserve better than I am doing.

Last night I was at Walmart with Erika when my sons girlfriends mom calls me screaming in my ear. She tells me that I have called her daughter a whore and that I talk bad about her daughter behind her back. I assure her that I would never call her daughter a whore, nor did I talk bad about her. All that I have said is that I wish Daniel wouldn't date her because I do not want him to get hurt so badly again. She continues to be very mad so I ask her to please call me back when she isn't so upset and hang up. About 1 minute later she calls back, guess what, she is still very upset. She goes on to tell me that I am a bad mother and that Daniel is 17 and I should allow him to do whatever he wants to. I tell her to please not tell me that I am a bad mother and ask her again to call me back when she calms down so that we can discuss the problem. I called Daniel and told him that he needed to call his girlfriend and get this situation fixed. He told me that he had never told his girlfriend that I had said such horrible things and that the mother only called me acting ugly because she was drunk. He acted like it should be okay that she acted that way just because she was drunk. When I was a child there were always people in my life that would get drunk and use that as an excuse to abuse me both mentally and physically. When I became an adult I vowed that there would never be another alcoholic in my life. But now Daniel has this girlfriend and I guess he cares for her very much. And if she is going to be a part of his life I will have to accept it, but why should I have to accept someone calling me yelling in my ear? She has now made it to where none of us will ever be comfortable around each other. She should have just called and asked civilly if there was a problem instead of yelling and making accusations. If Daniel and his girlfriend stay together her mother will be a part of my life for a while, how am I supposed to make it okay between us if she is so angry over something that was never said? Also, how am I supposed to just forget that she called me a bad mother when being a good mother is one of the most important things in my life? And even worse, this family attends the same church that we do. What if I walk in on Sunday and she tries to cause a scene? I love the church and the members to much to bring in conflict. What am I supposed to do about this? Maybe attend a different church? I do not want Daniels girlfriends family to not attend church because of me.
Daniel tried to call the mother and tell her that those things were not said, he ended up yelling at her. She told him he couldn't talk to his girlfriend again, maybe that is for the best, if not God will work it out between them.
At first I was mad at Daniel, he knows of my past, why in the world would he bring another alcoholic into my life? Did he say that I said those horrible things about his girlfriend, why would he allow this to happen? Then I stopped being so immature and realized that it isn't his fault, that it is no ones, it is just another trial to make us a better stronger family. Please pray for me that I handle this maturely and make the situation better instead of worse.

While I was driving home from work yesterday I was thinking about my children. I was thinking about how proud I am of them. They are all really great kids. I was thinking about their lives, how they have lived in the same place for the last 7 years, how they have lasting friendships, how when we go to Brookshires or McDonalds people know them, how great is that! I love that they have friends, I love that they attend church and live in a community where people care about them, I love that they will be able to attend their 10 year class reunion and know the other people there.
I miss that. In my youth I never attended the same school for a complete year. We moved around so often. There were no lasting friendships, no school activities, no girlscouts, or caring neighbors.
I guess that has carried over into my adulthood. Still I have no close friendships. I tell myself it is because I do not really have time for friends, but I think really it is because I am afraid. I don't want to get to close to someone and risk getting hurt. I am also very shy and unsure of myself. I don't know if I would be a very good close friend. I expect alot from people, I get disappointed easily.
Anyway, back to the kiddos. I am so glad that they have the life that they do. When I was young I promised myself that my children would live a life opposite mine. That they would stay in a school and do things and have fun, have good memories. I want them to be able to think about the past and to smile. I want them to remember birthdays and Christmas' I want them to tell their children how we would go outside and play in the rain. How we went on picnics and went camping. I pray that I have helped them to have those good memories. I pray that when they get older they will think of me and smile. I pray that I am a good mother, because that is so important to me. It is so important that they think of their childhood and are able to smile.

love blog

I am not going to write a sad one this time. I am going to copy Erika and Jessica and make a love blog.

I love Erika
I love Daniel
I love Cassie
I love John
I love that they love me back
I love Caleb
I love Erikas friends
I love Lulu
I love Lulus babies
I love that Erika calls me just to talk
I love to help people
I love to make people smile
I love doing things with my family
I love going out to eat
I love going hiking
I love camping
I love to be warm
I love to cuddle with my hubby
I love my electric blanket
I love diet coke
I love to read mysteries
I love to figure out who did it
I love to be nosy
I love summertime
I love to play in the rain
I love mushy emails
I love Maxine comics
I love flowers
I love trees
I love babies
I love my mom
I love my pink soft pants
I love fuzzy socks
I love jammies
I love my job
I love that my boss knows that I will take care of things
I love that I learn something new almost daily
I love that I can take care of my family
I love that God listens when I pray
I love to know that he is there
I love when I know that a person is honest
I love Disney movies
I love to sing
I love the stars in the sky
I loved going fishing with my dad
I love my step mom Bessie
I love peppy people
I love that Erika pretends to think I am funny
I love that Jessica teases me that I am not
I love that Erika and Caleb trust me enough to come to me with their problems
I love when I am able to help
I love that Daniel seems happier lately
I love that Cassie has alot of friends
I love when my husband tells me I am beautiful
I love when my hair is straight
I love to be outside on warm days
I love to tease my kids
I love that they know I am only teasing
I love that when I am going through something hard, that during bible study a verse will come up that helps me to deal with it
I love that I know there is a reason for everything
I love when I find out the reason
I love the sky
I love flip flops
I love candles
I love soft sweaters
I love to eat
I love spicy food
I love chocolate
I love grapes
I love that Erika has someone that loves her so much
I love when my kiddos hug me
I love that Daniel will hold my hand and skip with me
I love that my kids each have their own personality
I love that my kids see the good in people
I love that they know about my past and do not think less of me
I love that God forgives all
I love that my husband enjoys my company
I love happy endings
I love that my kids seem to enjoy being with me
I love to be with them
I love my children
I love my husband
I love my family
I love my life

When I met Erika and Daniels dad I was 15 and he was 32. I don't know why I wanted to be with such an old guy. Maybe I was just looking for love, I just don't know. I cant imagine me letting one of my children be with someone that age. If someone that much older even looked at my children wrong I would hurt them.
Joe and I met when he was a maintenance man at the apartments my mom managed. At first he worked steady. He was nice to me. He spent time with me and bought me clothes. After a while he hardly ever worked. We moved to Arizona with my mom, things got even worse financially. There were times that we had to go to churches to get food. For about a month we lived off of ramon noodles.
Then I found out that I was pregnant with Erika. I was very scared, I didn't know how we would be able to provide her with all she needed. Then Joe found a job at a apartment complex. He was getting a free apartment and a salary. Things started getting better financially. I was very unhappy with Joe, I felt that he was mean to me. We fought alot. I remember going into the baby room that I had made for Erika and sitting on the floor and crying. I hoped that when she was born things would get better. Erika was born and we were an okay little family. Not necessarily happy, but okay. Then Joe lost that job. I cant even count how many jobs he went through.
We moved back to Texas, we lived with different people. Sometimes my mom and one of her boyfriends, sometimes Joe's mom, sometimes Joe's sister. Sometimes friends. It was pretty bad. Never knowing where we would be or if we would have food to eat.
Next thing I know I am pregnant with Daniel. For some reason we moved back to Arizona. Life was still very hard. We lived in a 1 bedroom motel with my mom, her boyfriend Jim, Joe, Erika, and me. I found out that the reason we were so broke was because Joe was doing drugs. How was I so dumb that I had never figured it out before? I wanted Daniel so very much but it was already so hard to provide for Erika. I considered giving Daniel up for adoption, there I was 18 years old, about to have my second child and unable to financially care even for myself. I was to selfish to give Daniel up. I just loved him so much I couldn't imagine letting someone else have him. After I had him it was even harder. We could barely feed any of us. Thank the Lord for churches handing out food. I was so ashamed that I couldn't even take care of my babies. I was so glad that I had them, I loved them so much. But they were not getting everything they should have been given.
So we moved back to Texas. Again we had to move around alot, staying with different people. Then Joe found another apartment complex job and we were able to have our own place. I was so unhappy with Joe but I didn't know what to do. I felt that I was stuck in that life and would never be able to escape.
I found out that the company that Joe was working for was hiring an assistant for the apartment manager at another complex. It didn't pay anything, but it gave a free apartment for working 3 days a week. Yea! I got the job. I could make sure that my babies and I had a roof over our heads! Finally there was something that I had control over. I worked hard and learned alot so when the manager I was working for quit I got her job. It had a salary plus a free apartment. I could finally take care of us. From now on my babies would have food and diapers and toys and I could do it on my own. It took a while but I got up the nerve to make Joe leave. He threatened me that he would take my babies but I fought him all the way. I was 19, Erika was 3, and Daniel was 18 months and finally we were going to be okay. Never again did we go to churches for food. Never again did I have to pawn all that I had. We were going to be okay!

Way back to the past...............
As I said before when I was taken away from my mom all I could think about was being back with her. I wasn't allowed to see her without being supervised. I wasn't allowed to speak to her on the phone without someone listening in on another phone. I hated it so much. I wanted my mom! I know now that at that time I didn't need to be with my mom. She had allowed some horrible things to happen to me and the system was just trying to keep me safe. But I couldn't understand that then. I felt like I was being punished because I had allowed someone to hurt me. Those years were just another nightmare.
Anyways, at the school I attended there was a payphone, so I would sneak and use that to call my mom. We made an escape plan for me. We figured out a date and a time that I could sneak away from the foster home then mom and I would run away and live happily ever after. We planned my escape for a night that the foster parents would be out and an older lady would be staying at the house with us foster children. I was to pretend that I was going to take out the trash (the trash went into the alley behind the house) my mom would have a friend waiting there to whisk me away then we would meet her and go somewhere far away never to be found. It sounded like the perfect plan at the time. But again my big mouth told one of the other foster girls that I had grown close to. (man, were my friends tattle tails!)
I didn't know I had been found out so I proceeded with the plan. I picked up the trash and walked out to the alley. There was a helicopter flying around shining its light and instead of my moms friend there was my social worker. So as you can imagine I didn't make the great escape. What we did was make it even longer before I was able to be with my mom again.
The whole time I was in foster care I felt like I was being punished. I was so very unhappy. It really wasn't the foster parents fault, it was just that already horrible things had happened to me, then I am whisked off to a strange place with people I had never met, not allowed to see my mom. All I could do is ask God, why me? What have I done to deserve this?
Since I have become an adult I feel like my calling in life is to protect children, to love them no matter what is going on in their lives. When I was in foster care I had an attorney that was like a ray of sunshine in my life. So my goal was to be an attorney for children and to protect them from the evil in the world. Unfortunately that didn't happen, so now I still feel like I am supposed to do something to help children. I am just not sure yet what it is that I am supposed to do. Maybe I am supposed to foster, maybe I am supposed to become a children's advocate, I just do not know. But I know that when it is time God will show me what he wants me to do, so right now I am just waiting.

Best Mothers Day

Today I will jump ahead quiet a bit and tell you about one of the best days of my life, the birth of my baby girl, my best friend in the world.
When I became pregnant with Erika I was very young. Way to young to have a baby, but when I found out that I was pregnant I was so happy. I couldn't wait to have her. Finally there would be someone in my life that would love me. Someone that I could love in return without fear. My pregnancy was a little hard. My blood pressure became pretty high so I would get very dizzy often and my feet would swell like crazy. I couldn't even put on my tennis shoes. While I was pregnant I ate for two (or three or four) so I gained about 70 pounds. When I was 6 months pregnant I started leaking water from my amniotic sack so I was very concerned about her health I wanted so much for her to be okay.
Finally my due date came, but still no Erika. Another week passed and still no Erika. There I was as fat as a cow impatiently waiting and the child just wouldn't hurry up and get here. So one Saturday I had to go to the hospital to get my blood pressure checked and to have them check the fluid in the amniotic sack to make sure there was still enough water in there for the baby to be okay. They said that my blood pressure was way to high and that they were going to go ahead and induce labor. I was so scared. I could hear ladies in the other rooms screaming and crying. But I couldn't turn back now.
The labor hurt, but not unbearably so. Mostly I just felt that I needed to go to the restroom. The nurse that was taking care of me was allowing me to go to the restroom, but the shifts changed and the new nurse wouldn't let me get up. I kept telling her that I had to go to the restroom and still she wouldn't let me get up and go. Boy was I getting angry! So I thought to myself, if she wont let me get up I will just go to the restroom right on this bed! So I started to and the nurse started telling everyone "She is pushing" and I thought to myself no I am not pushing I am going to the bathroom ;-) but I guess that the nurse knew what she was talking about because a few minutes later my baby girl was in my arms. (For a while we called her my little piece of poop) When I held her I was so overwhelmed by the emotion. Never had another person been this important to me. Never had I felt such deep love that it brought me to tears. I loved that baby girl more than anything in the world. I thought to myself that maybe she was my purpose in life. The reason I was alive was to take care of her. Wow I couldn't believe God had picked me to take care of her. Every day since, her presence in my life has been a blessing. She has brought me many smiles. To many proud moments to count. The day after she was born was Mothers day. She was the greatest Mothers Day present I have ever received.

Today I will tell you about the day that was so horrible for me that I made the bad decision to try to take my own life. As I told you before I was a sexually abused child, after the authorities found out and arrested my moms boyfriend I overheard a conversation saying that it was my own fault that I was molested. After I heard that I started wondering if maybe it was my fault. I mean already I had been molested by at least 3 different people, was there something about me that made those people want to hurt me? Did I act in some kind of way that made them think that it was okay to hurt me? What did I do to deserve to be hurt so badly so often? It had to be my own fault. (I thought at the time)
I went into my Grandma Helens room and there was all of the bottles of meds. I figured that if I took enough I could just go to sleep and never feel the pain again.
So I took at least 3 of the bottles of pills. I went into the living room and got some paper and a pen to write my mom a goodbye note. I assured her that I loved her and that it was not her fault and told her that I was sorry for causing such problems, that I should have just kept my mouth shut then maybe her boyfriend Jim would not be in jail and then she wouldn't be so sad. I thought maybe if I was out of the way (since it was my own fault that he did what he did to me) he would get out of jail and he and mom could be happy together without me.
I put the note in an old library book and pushed it way under the couch. I figured that she would find it after I was gone and that it would make her feel better. I went into the kitchen and got a HUGE piece of German chocolate cake. I figured it couldn't make me any fatter now because I was about to die anyway.
After I ate that I layed on the loveseat and tried to just fall asleep. I layed there in a half awake half asleep state for I don't know how long. I looked over at the couch and saw my moms friend looking at my library book, I thought why in the world did she look under the couch and get that library book? I was to weak and out of it to say anything. I remember my mom running into the living room shaking me, it was like I could see her mouth moving but could not really make out what she was saying. Next thing I know the ambulance is there making me drink all types of gross stuff. I guess the purpose of that was to make me throw up. It seemed that I threw up gallons of German chocolate cake. (I don't like German chocolate cake that much any more) Then off to the hospital I went to get tubes stuck all into me. I was very lucky to be alive. The lady finding my note and also my stomach being full of cake saved my life.
The reason I am writing this is because years later I was thinking about that day, about what a coincidence it was that moms friend just happened to look under the couch see that book and pick it up to look through it. I had never seen her read before. I truly believe it was God watching over me. Something greater than we can even imagine urged her to pick up that book. It was not yet my time to go. I was trying to mess with Gods plan and he said no not yet you have not finished your work here on earth.
I am so thankful to still be here. My life is now wonderful. God has blessed me with 3 wonderful children and the best husband in the world. He has brought good loving people into my life such as Caleb, Gma Erika, Gma Bessie, and so many of my childrens friends have touched my heart.
If you know me and you read this, maybe it will help you to know me better. If you read this and you are going through a tough time hopefully it will help you to know that things will get better, that every hard thing we go through makes us stronger and brings us closer to God. We will survive and be an even better person because of it.

Continued

The ambulance took me to the hospital after my mothers friend found the note. After they took care of me they would not let me go home with my mom. They took me to a girls shelter. I was so scared. I am a pretty shy person, so going through all of that and suddenly being put into a shelter with a bunch of strangers was pretty scary. I eventually started talking to some of the other girls, in a way it was probably good for me because I learned that I wasn't the only person in the world with this crazy life. I don't really remember how long I lived there, it seems like it was about 2 or 3 months. It actually is one of my good memories. Sometimes in the middle of the night a few of us would sneak to the kitchen, the cook would hear us and he would come out and make us hot chocolate. We would play volleyball all of the time, before that I had never really played a sport, but I really loved playing volleyball. A few times the boys shelter would come and we would play against them. As I said, being there was scary at first, but it is now a good memory, the people there truly cared about us girls.
I left there because a foster home became available. 4 or 5 other girls already lived in the foster home. They were all very pretty girls and I come along at that time I was overweight and felt that I was very ugly. The girls were nice to me but I never really fit in with them. I guess the foster parents weren't bad, but I wanted so much to go back and live with my mom. She had made a lot of mistakes, but I still loved her and wanted to be with her. The social worker would come pick me up and take me to visit my mom. For a long time it had to be supervised visits, I would get to see my mom for a few hours at a time and then I would have to go back to the foster home. Finally, during a Christmas break I was going to get to stay the night with my mom with no supervision. I got to her house and she and her boyfriend Jim had everything packed and ready to go. We ran away to Florida ............. More to come, I have so many stories of my abuse, of living in the shelter and in the foster home, and later being found in Florida and put into juvenile JAIL for being a runaway (what the heck, my mom took me) that I want to write about.

my life

I dont really remember very much about my childhood. I know that I wasnt a happy child. I remember only one Christmas, my mom was with this man and he gave my sister and I each $50.00 for Christmas. I am not sure why I remember that but it is the only childhood Christmas I remember. I also remember 1 New Years. My sister and I were with my dad. He took us to a VFW or some place like that, then he dropped us off at the movie. We saw 9 to 5. Those are my only childhood holiday memories. I dont recall any Easters, Valentines Days, Birthdays or any of those things I imagine others remember. I am not saying we didnt celebrate them, just that I have no memories of them.
I think that until I had Erika I tend to only recall the bad things. I remember that mom had many different boyfriends. It seemed that all of them had major problems such as going to bars and drinking to much. Many of them physically abused my mom or molested my sister and or me.
I remember the very first time I was sexually abused. My mom had married a man named Jerry. He was actually a very nice man. He had a teen aged son that molested me. Im guessing that I was about 5. He made me go to his room and then it started, finally his sister walked in and made him stop. She took me to her room and watched over me when ever she could. In later years the same step brother molested my sister.
I remember another step father beating my mom so bad she was bleeding from the head, I tried to run and get help but as I ran he grabbed me by the hair and stopped me. After he made mom go back into the house he and his mother poured alcohol over my moms head, I will never ever forget her screaming. This same man is the one that hurt me the most. For many years he molested me continuously. The first time it happened we were staying the night at my uncles house so I had to sleep in the same bed with my mom and her boyfriend, he began to fondle me. At that time I was to scared to say anything. The next day I told my mom but he was able to convince her that he didnt mean to do it that he thought that he was touching her. I was 9 or 10 at the time. Months later he began sneaking into my room at night. I wasnt able to tell because he said that he would kill my mom if I told. So many memories of his sickness. I remember being at my moms friends house and sleeping on the floor in the living room, He and my mom would be sitting on the couch and he would sneak his toes under my covers and fondle me. No one even knew it was happening. I should have screamed, I should have hit him, or got up and ran. But fear kept me pretending sleep and kept my mouth shut for years. Finally when I was about 12 I slipped and told a girl at school what was happening. She was supposed to keep it a secret but next thing I knew they called me into the office and there were police there that questioned me. I went home and the boyfriend had been taken to jail. Later that night I walked past my mothers bedroom door and overheard her friend say that it was my own fault that I was molested because she had seen me sitting on the boyfriends lap. I went into my great grandmas room and took 3 or 4 bottles of meds, wrote a goodbye note and waited for what I hoped would be God to come get me and take me away from the pain. But before that happened another of my moms friends found my note and they called 911 (Thank God because it wasnt my time to go. Life got much better later, it took awhile but now I am so grateful to be alive) See how I remember so much of the bad but cannot remember even 1 birthday party. Weird huh.
I have to go for now. I am supposed to be working. I will add more later.