Its Friday, In the morning we are going to see Daniel again. I love to see him, but it is so very hard to leave him there. Before we leave he gives me a big hug and I have to watch him go through the door back to the boys unit. I think that is the hardest part, watching him walk away. Last week he cried, in a way that is good because before he left here the only time he showed emotion is if he were in trouble, then he just used it to get what he wanted.
I want so much for him to come home. I want him to have a wonderful, normal life. But, I am so scared for him when he gets back. How is he going to stay away from the bad things that he was doing?
Right now he has decided that he wants to become a Christian counselor. I think that would be the greatest thing ever. Maybe now that he has a goal, something to work towards he will stay clean and work hard.
I am scared, I am tired, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say to Daniel, I am so afraid that I will say the wrong thing and that it will make him want to use.
I wonder what I did wrong, what didn't I do that made him an addict in the first place. I am scared for Cassie, what if she ends up trying drugs???
I am angry, I have learned that there are so many places in our town where kids can get drugs. There are mothers of teenagers that sell them, they even get our children to sell them to other children. I am so angry that there are people in this world that profit by destroying lives. I am angry that my child was doing drugs and that I was to blind and to dumb to see it. I am so angry that I couldn't help him.
I want to do something to help the young people in our area, I wish there was a place that they could go to hang out. Somewhere safe where they could have fun and visit with their friends. Somewhere close that they could walk to because many parents are to busy to take the kids anywhere. In our town you can drive down the street and see teenagers hanging out, possibly making bad choices because there is nothing else to do in our area. I am not saying that the only reason Daniel made bad choices is because of this, but maybe if there weren't so many drugs in our area, maybe if there were somewhere good to go, maybe he would have made better choices.
We really need to do something, there are so many kids in our town making bad choices.
We moved to the small town thinking it would be a better place for our kids, but I guess any where you live there are drugs.
I wish I could go back in time and do something to change things for Daniel, but maybe that is part of the problem. I try to be Miss Fix-It and I haven't allowed Daniel to fix things on his own. I know that he can be okay. I know that I just need to hand all of this over to God and that things will turn out the way that they are meant to. Sometimes it is just so hard to not try to fix things myself. I want so much for my son to come home and for him to be okay. I want so much to have a close relationship with him. I hope he knows how much I love him. I hope he will start loving himself. I hope that while he is gone he will really allow God into his life and make better choices.