I cant believe it is already almost Christmas. The year has flown by. Their have been many happy moments and many sad. I think that the good out weighs the bad. My children have grown so much. Erika graduated (WOW) I always knew that she would. Cassie started Jr High, and Daniel is a Junior. Man are my getting old. Sometimes I feel a little sad knowing that they are growing up and will be going out on their own before I know it. What will I do without my kiddos around. Every single thing that I do, everything that I think of involves them. I wonder what other people do?

My only Christmas wish is that Daniel and I could be okay. I think he and Hannah will stay together. That will be hard on me. Knowing what she has told her mom about me. Knowing that it is okay with Daniel that they speak badly of me. I will just have to separate myself from the situation and pray that it all works out and that I do not lose my son.

He has told me a few times that since he is 17 he can do whatever he wants to. Also when Hannahs mother called me the other night she mentioned that since he is 17 he can do whatever he wants. I don't know what to do about that. I don't think he can move because he is on probation, but what if he can. What if he leaves us? What will become of him? Will he move in with Hannahs family? That scares me because they are drinkers. Daniel is not real strong, he has a hard time making good choices. What if he becomes a drinker to? How can I help him??

I know I sound crazy, playing Erikas what if games. I don't think I am playing correctly because all of my what ifs are bad. Erika always plays it in a good way. "What if you had a million dollars, What if you were a super hero, What if you won the lottery" She is so positive. I need to take lessons from her I guess.