It has been a while since my last post. Life is so hectic there isn't much time to write, plus I hate to sound as if I am whining our ungrateful.
My life is very good in all but one area. I have the best best best husband in the world. He stands beside me no matter what is going on. I love that he is always on my side and that if I am falling apart he tries so hard to hold me together.
My oldest daughter is GREAT! She is going to school to become a teacher. I know that she will make a difference in lots of children's lives. She is so loving, so caring. She is getting married in a couple of months. I know that they will have a beautiful life together but still I worry about them and will miss them both so much. You cant even imagine how proud I am of her.
My youngest is just about the smartest little girl in the world! She is going to be 13 next month. We are thinking of having a formal murder mystery dinner to celebrate. I think it will be alot of fun. She is a great kid. I love that she is so smart and athletic. 8Th grade here she comes. I see great things for her.
Then there is Daniel who is also a great kid. He is just a great kid who has made some bad choices. Unfortunately he is caught in this downward spiral that he is having such a hard time getting out of. I know that he really wants to make good choices. Right now he has a great attitude. He is so great when he is clean. He talks to me and he smiles alot. We play games together and he really pays attention. He really is a smart, nice, caring young man. But then he comes home, he starts making bad choices again and that sweet smart young man disappears. This not so nice guy takes his place. This guy cusses, yells, hits things, hates being around me, he just cant stand to look at me. It is devastating to feel that your own child, that once sweet little beautiful baby cant even stand your existence.
He comes home in a few weeks. Please pray for his recovery. As I said, right now he is doing soooo great, but it is going to be very hard for him when he comes home to the same environment, where everyone that he calls friend is making bad choices. If you know Daniel please be a friend to him, please love him despite his bad choices. He really needs some good strong people in his corner. People that can help him defeat his drug addiction. I know it is up to him to begin to fight, but if he is giving it his all then I will be right beside him with my boxing gloves on to. Thank you for caring enough to read this.
Pray for us. Please. I know God is listening. I know that he wants good to come from this bad situation. I know that he has plans for Daniel and also for our community.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Friday, April 18, 2008
Its Friday, In the morning we are going to see Daniel again. I love to see him, but it is so very hard to leave him there. Before we leave he gives me a big hug and I have to watch him go through the door back to the boys unit. I think that is the hardest part, watching him walk away. Last week he cried, in a way that is good because before he left here the only time he showed emotion is if he were in trouble, then he just used it to get what he wanted.
I want so much for him to come home. I want him to have a wonderful, normal life. But, I am so scared for him when he gets back. How is he going to stay away from the bad things that he was doing?
Right now he has decided that he wants to become a Christian counselor. I think that would be the greatest thing ever. Maybe now that he has a goal, something to work towards he will stay clean and work hard.
I am scared, I am tired, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say to Daniel, I am so afraid that I will say the wrong thing and that it will make him want to use.
I wonder what I did wrong, what didn't I do that made him an addict in the first place. I am scared for Cassie, what if she ends up trying drugs???
I am angry, I have learned that there are so many places in our town where kids can get drugs. There are mothers of teenagers that sell them, they even get our children to sell them to other children. I am so angry that there are people in this world that profit by destroying lives. I am angry that my child was doing drugs and that I was to blind and to dumb to see it. I am so angry that I couldn't help him.
I want to do something to help the young people in our area, I wish there was a place that they could go to hang out. Somewhere safe where they could have fun and visit with their friends. Somewhere close that they could walk to because many parents are to busy to take the kids anywhere. In our town you can drive down the street and see teenagers hanging out, possibly making bad choices because there is nothing else to do in our area. I am not saying that the only reason Daniel made bad choices is because of this, but maybe if there weren't so many drugs in our area, maybe if there were somewhere good to go, maybe he would have made better choices.
We really need to do something, there are so many kids in our town making bad choices.
We moved to the small town thinking it would be a better place for our kids, but I guess any where you live there are drugs.
I wish I could go back in time and do something to change things for Daniel, but maybe that is part of the problem. I try to be Miss Fix-It and I haven't allowed Daniel to fix things on his own. I know that he can be okay. I know that I just need to hand all of this over to God and that things will turn out the way that they are meant to. Sometimes it is just so hard to not try to fix things myself. I want so much for my son to come home and for him to be okay. I want so much to have a close relationship with him. I hope he knows how much I love him. I hope he will start loving himself. I hope that while he is gone he will really allow God into his life and make better choices.
I want so much for him to come home. I want him to have a wonderful, normal life. But, I am so scared for him when he gets back. How is he going to stay away from the bad things that he was doing?
Right now he has decided that he wants to become a Christian counselor. I think that would be the greatest thing ever. Maybe now that he has a goal, something to work towards he will stay clean and work hard.
I am scared, I am tired, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say to Daniel, I am so afraid that I will say the wrong thing and that it will make him want to use.
I wonder what I did wrong, what didn't I do that made him an addict in the first place. I am scared for Cassie, what if she ends up trying drugs???
I am angry, I have learned that there are so many places in our town where kids can get drugs. There are mothers of teenagers that sell them, they even get our children to sell them to other children. I am so angry that there are people in this world that profit by destroying lives. I am angry that my child was doing drugs and that I was to blind and to dumb to see it. I am so angry that I couldn't help him.
I want to do something to help the young people in our area, I wish there was a place that they could go to hang out. Somewhere safe where they could have fun and visit with their friends. Somewhere close that they could walk to because many parents are to busy to take the kids anywhere. In our town you can drive down the street and see teenagers hanging out, possibly making bad choices because there is nothing else to do in our area. I am not saying that the only reason Daniel made bad choices is because of this, but maybe if there weren't so many drugs in our area, maybe if there were somewhere good to go, maybe he would have made better choices.
We really need to do something, there are so many kids in our town making bad choices.
We moved to the small town thinking it would be a better place for our kids, but I guess any where you live there are drugs.
I wish I could go back in time and do something to change things for Daniel, but maybe that is part of the problem. I try to be Miss Fix-It and I haven't allowed Daniel to fix things on his own. I know that he can be okay. I know that I just need to hand all of this over to God and that things will turn out the way that they are meant to. Sometimes it is just so hard to not try to fix things myself. I want so much for my son to come home and for him to be okay. I want so much to have a close relationship with him. I hope he knows how much I love him. I hope he will start loving himself. I hope that while he is gone he will really allow God into his life and make better choices.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Daniel
Yay, I sent Daniels test to get his HS diploma off yesterday. We will get his results next Thursday. I am so excited for him! He seems to be liking this machining/welding course he is in.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Changes
Right now my family is going through many changes, which is exciting but scary.
Erika has a new job. I believe that she likes it which is very exciting because she was so unhappy at her former job.
Erika and Caleb are planning to marry soon which is both exciting and scary. Caleb is a very good young man that loves her very much. I know that they will have a wonderful life together. The scary part is that I cant imagine not seeing Erika every day. She has been a part of my life since I was a young girl, she is probably the person that I am closest to in this world. I know that I am not losing her, but I also know that I will see her less. That is very hard for me to imagine, not seeing her beautiful face every day.
Daniel is starting a trade school on Monday. He will learn welding and machining. He is so excited about this. I haven't seen him excited about anything in a very long time. I pulled him out of AHS and am home schooling him so that he can get his high school diploma. If all goes well, in 3 weeks he can be a high school graduate. In seven weeks he can be a certified welder, and 7 weeks after that a certified machinist. How exciting is that. The scary part is what if I made a bad decision, what if he fails?
John quit his job, now it will be just me supporting all of us. Lately he hadn't made very much, but still it was some money coming in. I am already struggling to get everything paid, what am I going to do now. This is the scary one, no exciting here. I know that he was unhappy working were he did so I understand that he needed to quit, but the selfish part of me wishes he could have stuck with it until he found another job.
Sometimes I get so overwhelmed, trying to deal with all of Daniels problems, keeping the bills paid, the laundry done, the house clean, and working. Every night before I go to sleep I start to pray, the next morning I wake up and remember that I fell asleep without saying Amen. I am so tired, not sure why, I get my 8 hours but still when I wake up in the morning I do not want to open my eyes.
Please don't think I am unhappy. I am so blessed. I have a wonderful, beautiful, loving, healthy family. I have a home, a job, my puppies, a car. I have so much. In a way I feel selfish for feeling the way I do. I am not unhappy, just overwhelmed. I just need a plan. Maybe a evening and weekend job just to get caught up on the bills. I will pray, God will provide as he always does.
Erika has a new job. I believe that she likes it which is very exciting because she was so unhappy at her former job.
Erika and Caleb are planning to marry soon which is both exciting and scary. Caleb is a very good young man that loves her very much. I know that they will have a wonderful life together. The scary part is that I cant imagine not seeing Erika every day. She has been a part of my life since I was a young girl, she is probably the person that I am closest to in this world. I know that I am not losing her, but I also know that I will see her less. That is very hard for me to imagine, not seeing her beautiful face every day.
Daniel is starting a trade school on Monday. He will learn welding and machining. He is so excited about this. I haven't seen him excited about anything in a very long time. I pulled him out of AHS and am home schooling him so that he can get his high school diploma. If all goes well, in 3 weeks he can be a high school graduate. In seven weeks he can be a certified welder, and 7 weeks after that a certified machinist. How exciting is that. The scary part is what if I made a bad decision, what if he fails?
John quit his job, now it will be just me supporting all of us. Lately he hadn't made very much, but still it was some money coming in. I am already struggling to get everything paid, what am I going to do now. This is the scary one, no exciting here. I know that he was unhappy working were he did so I understand that he needed to quit, but the selfish part of me wishes he could have stuck with it until he found another job.
Sometimes I get so overwhelmed, trying to deal with all of Daniels problems, keeping the bills paid, the laundry done, the house clean, and working. Every night before I go to sleep I start to pray, the next morning I wake up and remember that I fell asleep without saying Amen. I am so tired, not sure why, I get my 8 hours but still when I wake up in the morning I do not want to open my eyes.
Please don't think I am unhappy. I am so blessed. I have a wonderful, beautiful, loving, healthy family. I have a home, a job, my puppies, a car. I have so much. In a way I feel selfish for feeling the way I do. I am not unhappy, just overwhelmed. I just need a plan. Maybe a evening and weekend job just to get caught up on the bills. I will pray, God will provide as he always does.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
my dad
My dads name was Maurice Aaron, but everyone called him Sonny. He was the only boy out of 5 children so my grandpa called him Sonny boy. I wish he could have been in my life more. I always wondered why he wasn't. Did he dislike me? Was it because I was fat? Was it because he loved his new family more? Was it because of my mom? I guess I will never know for sure.
I really loved to be with my dad. We got to eat Slim Jims and thick bologna when we were with him. He always had a horse and lived out in the country. I wish things could have been different. I never understood why he didn't save me when I was being abused, when I lived in the shelter and foster home. I still do not understand that. He should have protected me from all of that.
When I was about 9 my dad married a woman and they had a little girl together. I was soooo jealous of the little girl. My step mom was very mean. She told me that my dad didn't love or need me anymore because he had a new family. I remember when I stayed with them and she would make herself, my dad, and their daughter steak and feed me hot dogs. Dad would always offer me some of his steak but if I were to take it I would get into big trouble the next day when he was at work. She was a very mean woman. She and my dad divorced when I was about 13, thank goodness! Next he married Bessie (when I was about 18) she is one of the greatest ladies I have ever met. She really loved me and cared about what was going on in my life. She got my dad to call me and they would come and visit me at times. My dad became ill with lung cancer. He lived for a few years after being diagnosed but it was a very hard few years for him. My dad had always been a big strong man but when he died he was very very thin and having to wear diapers and be spoon fed. It was so horrible to see him that way. I was standing by his bed when he passed. It looked like he just fell asleep. I was very sad but in a way I was thankful because I knew that his suffering had ceased and that he was in Heaven. He had just days before accepted Jesus as his Savior. I was so relieved when I heard that he had asked Jesus to come into his heart for now I knew he would go to heaven and be there waiting for me when it was my time to go. After he died my younger sister told me that Dad had always referred to me as the pretty one. I know it sounds silly but that meant so much to me. It was good to know that he even thought about me but to know he thought I was pretty made me feel really special because you see I had never ever thought of myself as being pretty. Even now when I look into the mirror and am feeling really bad about myself I remember that my dad thought I was pretty. I really miss him. I miss what should have been. I wish that I had tried harder to be a part of his life instead of letting what I thought was past rejection keep me away from him. I cant go back in time but I hope that when it is my time to go he will be there waiting for me so that I can make sure he knows how much I loved him and how much I wish he could have been in my life more.
Because of this tragedy I learned to make sure that everyone that I love knows that I love them. I don't want to die leaving my loved ones full of unanswered questions. Remember to live each day as if it were your last. Tell your family how special they are to you. Hug your kids every time you get the chance. You can never show to much affection to those that are special to you. Never leave someone with unanswered questions.
I really loved to be with my dad. We got to eat Slim Jims and thick bologna when we were with him. He always had a horse and lived out in the country. I wish things could have been different. I never understood why he didn't save me when I was being abused, when I lived in the shelter and foster home. I still do not understand that. He should have protected me from all of that.
When I was about 9 my dad married a woman and they had a little girl together. I was soooo jealous of the little girl. My step mom was very mean. She told me that my dad didn't love or need me anymore because he had a new family. I remember when I stayed with them and she would make herself, my dad, and their daughter steak and feed me hot dogs. Dad would always offer me some of his steak but if I were to take it I would get into big trouble the next day when he was at work. She was a very mean woman. She and my dad divorced when I was about 13, thank goodness! Next he married Bessie (when I was about 18) she is one of the greatest ladies I have ever met. She really loved me and cared about what was going on in my life. She got my dad to call me and they would come and visit me at times. My dad became ill with lung cancer. He lived for a few years after being diagnosed but it was a very hard few years for him. My dad had always been a big strong man but when he died he was very very thin and having to wear diapers and be spoon fed. It was so horrible to see him that way. I was standing by his bed when he passed. It looked like he just fell asleep. I was very sad but in a way I was thankful because I knew that his suffering had ceased and that he was in Heaven. He had just days before accepted Jesus as his Savior. I was so relieved when I heard that he had asked Jesus to come into his heart for now I knew he would go to heaven and be there waiting for me when it was my time to go. After he died my younger sister told me that Dad had always referred to me as the pretty one. I know it sounds silly but that meant so much to me. It was good to know that he even thought about me but to know he thought I was pretty made me feel really special because you see I had never ever thought of myself as being pretty. Even now when I look into the mirror and am feeling really bad about myself I remember that my dad thought I was pretty. I really miss him. I miss what should have been. I wish that I had tried harder to be a part of his life instead of letting what I thought was past rejection keep me away from him. I cant go back in time but I hope that when it is my time to go he will be there waiting for me so that I can make sure he knows how much I loved him and how much I wish he could have been in my life more.
Because of this tragedy I learned to make sure that everyone that I love knows that I love them. I don't want to die leaving my loved ones full of unanswered questions. Remember to live each day as if it were your last. Tell your family how special they are to you. Hug your kids every time you get the chance. You can never show to much affection to those that are special to you. Never leave someone with unanswered questions.
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