Today I will tell you about the day that was so horrible for me that I made the bad decision to try to take my own life. As I told you before I was a sexually abused child, after the authorities found out and arrested my moms boyfriend I overheard a conversation saying that it was my own fault that I was molested. After I heard that I started wondering if maybe it was my fault. I mean already I had been molested by at least 3 different people, was there something about me that made those people want to hurt me? Did I act in some kind of way that made them think that it was okay to hurt me? What did I do to deserve to be hurt so badly so often? It had to be my own fault. (I thought at the time)
I went into my Grandma Helens room and there was all of the bottles of meds. I figured that if I took enough I could just go to sleep and never feel the pain again.
So I took at least 3 of the bottles of pills. I went into the living room and got some paper and a pen to write my mom a goodbye note. I assured her that I loved her and that it was not her fault and told her that I was sorry for causing such problems, that I should have just kept my mouth shut then maybe her boyfriend Jim would not be in jail and then she wouldn't be so sad. I thought maybe if I was out of the way (since it was my own fault that he did what he did to me) he would get out of jail and he and mom could be happy together without me.
I put the note in an old library book and pushed it way under the couch. I figured that she would find it after I was gone and that it would make her feel better. I went into the kitchen and got a HUGE piece of German chocolate cake. I figured it couldn't make me any fatter now because I was about to die anyway.
After I ate that I layed on the loveseat and tried to just fall asleep. I layed there in a half awake half asleep state for I don't know how long. I looked over at the couch and saw my moms friend looking at my library book, I thought why in the world did she look under the couch and get that library book? I was to weak and out of it to say anything. I remember my mom running into the living room shaking me, it was like I could see her mouth moving but could not really make out what she was saying. Next thing I know the ambulance is there making me drink all types of gross stuff. I guess the purpose of that was to make me throw up. It seemed that I threw up gallons of German chocolate cake. (I don't like German chocolate cake that much any more) Then off to the hospital I went to get tubes stuck all into me. I was very lucky to be alive. The lady finding my note and also my stomach being full of cake saved my life.
The reason I am writing this is because years later I was thinking about that day, about what a coincidence it was that moms friend just happened to look under the couch see that book and pick it up to look through it. I had never seen her read before. I truly believe it was God watching over me. Something greater than we can even imagine urged her to pick up that book. It was not yet my time to go. I was trying to mess with Gods plan and he said no not yet you have not finished your work here on earth.
I am so thankful to still be here. My life is now wonderful. God has blessed me with 3 wonderful children and the best husband in the world. He has brought good loving people into my life such as Caleb, Gma Erika, Gma Bessie, and so many of my childrens friends have touched my heart.
If you know me and you read this, maybe it will help you to know me better. If you read this and you are going through a tough time hopefully it will help you to know that things will get better, that every hard thing we go through makes us stronger and brings us closer to God. We will survive and be an even better person because of it.