Yay, I am okay!

I went to the Doctor today. He thinks I am okay!!! He is ordering some blood testing to be done, but he thinks I am okay!!
I was scared, so very scared. My girls and my husband and sister were scared.
But this did get me to thinking (way to much)
I wonder?
Do my kids know how much I love them?
Do they know that every single day is a little brighter because I have them?
Does my husband know how happy he has made me over the last 10 years?
Does he know that he makes me feel beautiful and loved?
Does he know how proud I am of the changes he has made in his life and the man he has become?
Does my boss know how much I appreciate his faith in me, how much I appreciate the opportunities he has given me to learn?
Does my sister know how important she is to me?
Does she know how much I always look forward to talking to her and sharing with her?
Does Caleb know that I am so thankful that he is a part of my life?
Does he know that I am very proud of the husband, father, and man of God that he is?
Does Erika know what a great daughter she has always been?
Does she know that when she was a little girl she was what made me get up each morning to face the day?
Does she know how beautiful she is? Does she know how very much I love her?
Does Daniel know that I pray for him every single day?
Does he realize that no matter what I am so thankful that he is my son?
Does he know that through all of our problems he has made me closer to God?
Does Cassie know that I love her quirky personality?
Does she know how proud I am of her intelligence?
Does she know that I try to better myself because of her? And that I think she is a beautiful young lady?
Do people at church know how much I want to be their friend, but that I am shy and insecure?
Do they know that at times I am lonely, but scared that I don't fit in, scared of rejection?
Does Emily have any idea how much I love her? Does she know that if I go very long without seeing her my heart hurts?
Does she know that her smile brings me so much joy that it brings tears to my eyes?
Does my mom know that even though I don't always show it, that I do love her?
Does she know that I pray daily that she will take care of herself?
How will I be remembered?
Will my family have wonderful memories of our life together?
Do they know how much they mean to me?
Do they really know without a doubt that I love them the world full?
I must remember that we are not promised another day here. That I need to always let people know how I feel about them because tomorrow may never come.
I am so very blessed.
Thank you sweet Lord for all my blessings.

It is cancer, but stand strong.
I know it sounds insane, but while I was driving into work this morning the above phrase popped into my head.
Im not sure if I am crazy, stressed, or if God is whispering in my ear to inform and reassure me. I called the doctor yesterday to ask them if an earlier appt comes up to please call me. She said they already have it listed to call me if there are any cancellations.
Again, I really hope I am worrying over nothing.
If any one reads this please pray for me to feel at peace while I am waiting for this Dr appt.
I am scared, but I do know that God has a plan. I just want to know what it is :-)

Scared

I went to the doctor last week because of some swollen glands, after looking at the glands and some past bloodwork they are sending me to the Cancer Center.
I am scared. I know that I shouldnt worry until I know if there is really something to worry about but I am so scared right now, more scared than I have ever been.
Im not scared of dying, I know without a doubt that when I leave this life I will go to Heaven.
What I am scared of is leaving those that I love behind.
Erika: how will she react, I know that she has Caleb to take care of her, but she has always been a mommys girl. She can call me anytime and I calm her fears. Who will she call if I am gone?
Daniel: What will he do? Will this make him drown in his addictions or will it make him see how fragile life is and make changes?
Cassie: She still has so much to do. Who will help her with college stuff? Help her pick out a wedding gown, hold her hand when she has her first baby?
Emily: Will she remember how much I love her, will she remember what joy she made me feel? Will she remember me at all?
John: Who will take care of him? Who will make sure that he remembers to pay the bills, who will remind him to call his girls and his mom? Will he love again? Will he be okay?
Caleb: Does he know how much he means to me? How proud I am of him?
Tronda: Who will she call when she needs to vent, to cry? Who will assure her of how wonderful she really is?
Mom: who will be there to care for her?

How do I make sure that all of the people that I love know that I love them? How do I make sure that they will be okay when I am gone? How do I make sure that they remember the good things? Are there really very many good things about me? Did I do what I was here to do? What is Gods plan for me? Did I make a difference?
I know that it is silly to worry over what might not be, but I am so scared that I feel sick inside. I am praying for comfort, for peace. I am so thankful that I know the Lord and that I know that when I die I will be with Him in Heaven.

Things I have learned

I have learned.....

What may seem horrible today, will not look so bad weeks, months or years from now.
We learn and grow from EVERY experience good or bad.
You can not change another person but you can change how you react to that person
Time goes by way to fast.
Children grow up to fast. Treasure every hug, kiss, time together.
You have to want to stay in love, love is not always easy, but it is worth it.
Time heals.
God really does love me.
Exercise makes me feel empowered.
People are basically good. No one sets out to make bad choices.
There are 2 sides to EVERY story.
Forgive, the only one you hurt by not letting it go is yourself.
The harder you work for it the more rewarding it is.
Show people that you love them, they dont just automatically know.
Appreciate what you have, thank God constantly for your many blessings.
Grand children are SUPER awesome.
Dont make excuses.
Dont try to rationalize your sins, confess them and ask for forgiveness.
Let go, let God.
Pray, He listens.
Love without fear.
If you mess up, you can start fresh. It is never to late.
God has a plan for my life, I may not always know which way to go, but if I really listen, he will direct each step.
If I really need something, He provides.
I am a sinner, but Jesus died to cover my sin.
I am forgiven.

Friends

Yesterday during Bible Study they were discussing friends. Really my only close friends are John, Tronda, and Erika. That seems pretty sad. My only true friends are my husband, sister, and daughter. Ive never been one that has had friends. There are many people that I care about, my church family, people at work. But people that really care about me, that really know me are just John, Erika, and Tronda. I am not real sure why I have never been a person that formed attachments. Maybe it was my abusive childhood, maybe fear of rejection, maybe because we moved around so much I just was scared to get close and then lose someone I cared about.
I know that I would love to have friends, people to get together with, to confide in. But I am not real sure how to go about making friends or being a friend.
I am so glad that my children have friends, I don't want them to feel like I do. Sometimes I feel so lonely, and I don't want to burden Erika with all my thoughts and worries. I am supposed to be the mom, I am supposed to be there for her problems, not she for mine.
It has just been the last few years I have realized how much I am missing out on by not having friends. I see other woman that are close friends, that get together and have fun together, and at times I feel so left out. I know that it isnt anyones fault but my own. I dont make time for friends. But sometimes I feel so alone. Sometimes I wish there was someone I could call and chat with. Not that Erika, John, and Tronda arent wonderful friends, but I dont want to burden them with all of my thoughts. There are just some things you cant talk to your child and husband about without feeling awkward. I am so very thankful for my best friends, I just wish I had a few more.

Sweet Emily

Emily went to the Doctor today. She weighs 11lbs 10 oz and is 22 inches long. She is growing so fast. Sometimes when I look at her it is like looking at Erika when she was a baby. It is so awesome that God gives us the capability to love so much. I never thought I could love someone as much as I loved my own children, but I do. When I hold her I feel such love that it makes tears come to my eyes, just as it did with my own babies.
I have some good news, Daniel called me the other day and was talking about his future. This is good news because in the last year every time I ask him about his future he has said that he doesn't worry or think about it. So at least now it is something he is thinking about. I have been praying that he will seek God again.
Erika and Caleb are doing great. They are wonderful parents. I always knew Erika would be a good mommy. And Caleb is a great daddy. He lights up every time he looks at his baby girl. We all still fight over who gets to hold her next. ;-)
Cassie is still doing great. She is an awesome God loving young lady. I am super proud of her.
And as always, my husband is wonderful. He still tells me how beautiful I am every day. I'm always scared I will wake up and he will change, but still after almost 8 years he is still the best husband ever. I am not saying there are never hard days, but never do we question our love for each other.
Today I received wonderful news. My younger sister will get to hold her baby for the first time. I am so very excited for her. Thanks to all that have been praying for them.

11-19-09

Today has been a sad day. It is the anniversary of my dads death. Every year on this day I am so close to tears that if someone says boo to me I break down.
A few days ago my younger sister had a beautiful baby boy. I was just looking at a picture of him and it made me cry. I have been praying nonstop that this sweet baby will be okay. I have also been praying for his mommy and daddy. I wish that they didn't have to go through all of this again. I wish there was something that I could do for them, anything to ease their stress and fear.
I wish that I could go back in time and change my and my younger sisters relationship. I wish that I wouldn't have let my jealousy put such a large wedge in between us. I was so jealous of how much my dad loved her. I allowed myself to believe it was her fault that my dad didn't love me (or so I thought).
Miranda, if you ever read this please except my apology for never being there for you. Please forgive me for anytime that I acted ugly or withdrawn. Please believe that I have grown up alot since then and would really love to be a part of your life, and know that you can count on me to be there if you ever want me to be. Know that I love you. I know that you didnt know me very well, but I really love you.
And Dad, if you are able to look down upon us, I miss you. I love you. Please watch over us all. Watch over baby Brayden. I think of you so often. I hope you are proud of the woman I have become.