my life

I dont really remember very much about my childhood. I know that I wasnt a happy child. I remember only one Christmas, my mom was with this man and he gave my sister and I each $50.00 for Christmas. I am not sure why I remember that but it is the only childhood Christmas I remember. I also remember 1 New Years. My sister and I were with my dad. He took us to a VFW or some place like that, then he dropped us off at the movie. We saw 9 to 5. Those are my only childhood holiday memories. I dont recall any Easters, Valentines Days, Birthdays or any of those things I imagine others remember. I am not saying we didnt celebrate them, just that I have no memories of them.
I think that until I had Erika I tend to only recall the bad things. I remember that mom had many different boyfriends. It seemed that all of them had major problems such as going to bars and drinking to much. Many of them physically abused my mom or molested my sister and or me.
I remember the very first time I was sexually abused. My mom had married a man named Jerry. He was actually a very nice man. He had a teen aged son that molested me. Im guessing that I was about 5. He made me go to his room and then it started, finally his sister walked in and made him stop. She took me to her room and watched over me when ever she could. In later years the same step brother molested my sister.
I remember another step father beating my mom so bad she was bleeding from the head, I tried to run and get help but as I ran he grabbed me by the hair and stopped me. After he made mom go back into the house he and his mother poured alcohol over my moms head, I will never ever forget her screaming. This same man is the one that hurt me the most. For many years he molested me continuously. The first time it happened we were staying the night at my uncles house so I had to sleep in the same bed with my mom and her boyfriend, he began to fondle me. At that time I was to scared to say anything. The next day I told my mom but he was able to convince her that he didnt mean to do it that he thought that he was touching her. I was 9 or 10 at the time. Months later he began sneaking into my room at night. I wasnt able to tell because he said that he would kill my mom if I told. So many memories of his sickness. I remember being at my moms friends house and sleeping on the floor in the living room, He and my mom would be sitting on the couch and he would sneak his toes under my covers and fondle me. No one even knew it was happening. I should have screamed, I should have hit him, or got up and ran. But fear kept me pretending sleep and kept my mouth shut for years. Finally when I was about 12 I slipped and told a girl at school what was happening. She was supposed to keep it a secret but next thing I knew they called me into the office and there were police there that questioned me. I went home and the boyfriend had been taken to jail. Later that night I walked past my mothers bedroom door and overheard her friend say that it was my own fault that I was molested because she had seen me sitting on the boyfriends lap. I went into my great grandmas room and took 3 or 4 bottles of meds, wrote a goodbye note and waited for what I hoped would be God to come get me and take me away from the pain. But before that happened another of my moms friends found my note and they called 911 (Thank God because it wasnt my time to go. Life got much better later, it took awhile but now I am so grateful to be alive) See how I remember so much of the bad but cannot remember even 1 birthday party. Weird huh.
I have to go for now. I am supposed to be working. I will add more later.